Have you ever had a difficult conversation with a colleague, friend, family member or customer?
Perhaps it was about a financial matter, an ill-considered comment, or an unwanted behaviour.
How did you handle the difficult conversation? Did it go well, or did your reptilian brain kick in, causing you either to freeze up, flee the situation or start fighting?
If you remained calm and focussed, well done. You can go back to watching funny cat videos on YouTube, or whatever you were doing, before reading this article.
If you are like the majority of people and found yourself hijacked by your reptilian brain, please read on. Continuing to freeze, flee or fight when difficult conversations arise in the future has the potential to ruin your relationships and take a toll on your emotions.
There is a better way to handle difficult conversations.
The Values Script
I learned The Values Script from Renee, a former colleague at Aberfeldie Primary School. The Script is something you can use to more effectively communicate with other people during difficult conversations.
As I wrote in a previous article, values are important beliefs or ways of being that you have.
Often when you are having a difficult conversation with someone, it is because you have different values from the other person.
Your brain’s basal ganglia and stem (also known as your reptilian brain), interprets this difference as a threat and sends you into fight, flight or freeze mode in order to protect against the perceived destruction of your values.
The Values Script understands this and helps you to put your reptilian brain at ease.
The Values Script Step By Step
Step One: Identify your values. If you don’t know what your values are, read this article before going on to the next step of The Values Script.
Step Two: Factually and non-judgmentally state the behaviour you don’t like. “When you called me stupid” will be received much more easily than “Why did you call me stupid?” or “When you rudely called me stupid”. Questions and judgemental statements can put your listener on the defensive and trigger their reptilian brain.
Step Three: Communicate with I Feel Messages rather You Messages. Phrases like “You belittled me” and “You were wrong” are examples of You Messages and are also ineffective ways to communicate. Instead use I Feel Messages such as “I feel belittled” or “I feel embarrassed.” Be as specific as possible about how you feel. Commonly used words like sad and upset can be too vague. What kind of sad and upset are you really feeling? Are you anxious, afraid, worried or fearful? To increase effectiveness, also communicate the degree of feeling you have. For example “I feel extremely belittled” and “I feel really embarrassed”. If you have mixed feelings, tell the person by expressing each feeling and explaining what the feeling is about. “I have mixed feelings about what you just did. I am glad and thankful you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. I felt disrespected and found it irritating”.
Step Three: Avoid falling into the trap of using I Believe Messages: “I feel like you don’t care” and “I feel like you are rude” sound and look like I Feel Messages, but they are not. They are communicating beliefs and have the same damaging impact as communicating with You Messages.
Step Four: Describe how the situation affects you. Continuing the example of someone who has called you stupid, describing the effect could be, “The effect is I become worried”, or “The effect is I become uncomfortable around you”.
Step Five: Describe why you feel this way. This is where you refer to your values. “I feel anxious because I value kindness”, or “I don’t like being around you because I value respect”.
Step Six: Tell the person what you would have preferred to happen or want you want in the future. “I would have preferred it if you hadn’t have called me stupid” or “In future I would prefer you speak to me kindly”.
Putting The Steps Together
Here’s how a difficult conversation using The Values Script could do:
“When you call me stupid,”
“I feel belittled and really embarrassed.
“The effects are that I become worried and uncomfortable around you.
“I feel this way because I value kindness and respect.
“In future I would prefer you speak kindly to me.”
With practice, The Values Script will increase the effectiveness of your communication and help you to feel more comfortable having difficult conversations. If you have a tendency to flee a difficult conversation, it will help you to persist with communicating. If you have a tendency to freeze up, it will help to thaw you out and know what to say. If you have a tendency to fight, then it will calm you down and keep you focused.
Can you see the potential to use The Values Script sometime soon in your life?
Post a comment here or on our Facebook page that shows how you intend to use The Values Script.
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Now go and have a great life.